Rock Steady

Sometimes it’s the simple things that mean so much.

Not much has happened with my love life since my last post, but my life life seams to constantly be on the move, so I thought I’d pump some juice back into the Dwayne/Dante blog with this update.

The self-help kick I was on had led me to scrutinizing my friendships and caused quite a bit of strife, some necessary, some not so much. I’m happy to say that those friendships have been mended. Though I do regret the way I approached the “Friend Inventory,” I think in the end it was helpful in getting my feelings and concerns out in the open so they could be worked on.

I’m also still on the volunteering kick. I’ve been helping out at the Kaleidoscope Youth Center and the Columbus Aids Task Force for a little over a month now and I’m actually really loving it.

KYC has seen an influx of students since school started and, though many of them have behavior issues, I feel like I’m really helping. Most of the kids are black males, which makes sense considering modern social constructs. Gay black males are more likely to be considered outcasts in their community, thus causing the need of a place to “get away,” so to speak. At least that’s been my experience.

I had a pretty deep conversation with some of the boys about coming out to their parents. One kid actually asked me if he should tell his parents, and seemed very interested and invested in my answer. I definitely felt a strong sense of responsibility in making sure I was imparting some sort of “wisdom.” I simply told him my coming-out story and advised him to do what he thought was right for him. It definitely hits you that you’re a “grown up” when a 16-year-old teenager looks at you with pleading eyes, begging you to tell them what to do. It was definitely intense.

Everyday, however, isn’t like what I’ve described above. We mostly play pool, or some kind of group game, facilitate some discussion or just appear available. On one particularly crowded night, an impromptu vogue-off started with about 20+ kids, it was pretty entertaining to watch.

At CATF I’ve finally finished training and have started administering HIV tests on my own. I’m really loving the atmosphere at this place. The other counselors are super nice and accessible. Sometimes the clients can be a bit interesting. I had my first positive the other day and it was total drama. The person who came in lied and told me they didn’t know they were positive when they’d actually known for five years. I thought I was changing this person’s life by telling them they had HIV. That definitely wasn’t the case. I’m definitely not looking forward to the moment when I do have to impart that information on an unsuspecting individual.

It’s actually really cool that this place even exists though. They offer free HIV tests every Tuesday (3:30 pm. to 7:30 p.m.) and Wednesday (11 a.m. to 2 p.m.), and sometimes they also offer free STD testing for chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea. KNOW YOUR STATUS! Yes, I said it, lol.

I’ve learned so much from being there. I’m starting to feel like a walking public service announcement. I met my friend Lamar’s new boyfriend the other day and I just started spouting off all this safe sex and HIV information like I was some med school professor. I have to say, I was pretty pleased with myself, lol.

As many of you already know, I’ve moved, again. The landlords at my previous complex were, for lack of a better word, douche-bags. My apartment flooded twice, my water heater exploded, the stove was falling apart, and they lost one of my rent checks. It was time to go. I love the apartment I’m in now. It’s a little farther north then I’d like, but it’s a two bedroom and much more spacious. I’ve turned the second room into an office, which I’m loving. I feel like I’m all growed up now, lol. The complex also has a fitness center (the one at the old place had been shut down due to vandalism), tennis courts, and two swimming pools. I’m movin’ on up! lol

On the work front everything is going well. I’m working like crazy, but it’s not too bad. I’m still working at Waldenbooks part time (this recession is a bitch!) and I still have my job with Metromix.com (for now). I have this constant fear that they’re going to give me the axe at any moment. Journalists are loosing their jobs by the handfuls all over the country, why wouldn’t I be next? So, with that being said, to help me keep my job, help us get are page view numbers up by perusing my articles on the regular at Columbus.Metroimx.com! lol

On the love life front, like I said early there’s not much to report. I have noticed, though, that my love life is developing a pattern. I start dating, find a guy I like, then after two weeks he does something disappointing, however, I keep him around because there are many other things about him that I like. I then start dating other people, find two more that I want to keep around, then they too become disappointing, but I also keep them around because they attain a vital characteristics that I find attractive. A couple more may become added to list in the same fashion.

After a few months of juggling, and waiting for one of them to become the man of my dreams I become annoyed and disillusioned with the entire male population and decide to swear off men, or “take a break from dating.” Four months or so goes by and I begin to crave the intimacy and attention I gave up, and the process starts all over again.

I realized this when I was telling a few friends about the guys I was dating and how they weren’t measuring up and how I was ready to take a dating break. To which one replied, “Didn’t you say that right before you met J—– (my ex)?” I had no rebuttal.

I keep finding men who are interested in me and we have chemistry on some level but when the time comes they don’t seem interested in taking that final plunge towards partners-ville.

Half of my friends tell me it’s because I’m looking and most people fall into relationships with someone when they really weren’t looking for it. While others tell me I’m not putting myself out there enough, and I’m too picky. Maybe I’m just not partner material? Or maybe I’m not attractive enough to be someone’s “one and only.” (Comment at will below.)

Life may not be perfect where the love life is concerned, but I’ve hit a nice steady stride in the rest of my life that I’m enjoying. It’s the first time I think I’ve felt genuinely happy with every aspect of my life, despite being single. Well, except for money, I could always use a little more of that, lol.

I know this post is starting to run long, so I’m going to end this one here. Another blog will be posted shortly detailing events from the weekend that nearly killed me. It’s a must-read ladies and gentlemen, lol.

~D.A. Steward