No More Mr. Nice Guy (D&D Reconstruction Update 1)
***DISCLAIMER: I’m a bit a tipsy, so please forgive the many grammatical errors that I’m sure will appear below.
I’m beginning to realize that many of my emotional and social shortcomings are in part due to my unflailing devotion to my career. I’ve done nothing since third grade but try to become a journalist and I believe it’s doing a doozey on my psychosis.
For instance, it can somewhat explain my unrealistic expectations concerning love. I’ve gone about my love life much like I’ve gone about my reporting career. It’s highly (and sometimes unrealistically) believed that if you pay your dues in small newspapers doing the daily grind at the bottom you’ll eventually rise to the top. Well, when it comes to love I’ve always thought if you put in the work then you’ll get a big payoff, which for me has always been that elusive perfect life partner. However, as we all know, it doesn’t always work out that way.
Another mitched metaphor, and the reason for this blog, is the belief in never burning bridges. In journalism it’s all about networking, appear nice and cordial and accommodating to everyone you work with because you never know when they’ll be in a position to help you out with a job or referral in the future. And this pretty much works well in the world of mass media. When I meet a journalist for the firs time, I just spend enough time with them and realize that through six degrees of separation it likely we’re someway connected.
However, I’ve mistakenly applied this rule, to the ‘nth degree, to my daily life; completely upending my life and schedule for the appeasement of others, sometime to the determent of myself and my personal beliefs. (Any of my fellow journalist out there, please comment if you’ve experienced any of this or the above.)
I’ve been reading this book, “Mr. Right is Out There: The Gay Man’s Guide to Finding and Maintaining Love,” and, of course, in order to love someone else you must love yourself, so there’s a complete chapter on how to love yourself. Anyway, a part of that chapter says that in order to love yourself you must respect yourself by setting boundaries with the friends you have and refusing to be taken advantage of. Something I haven’t been very good at.
It’s time for some new rules (that some may consider harsh) in hopes to change this pattern.
- Each time a favor is asked of me I’ll be going through my memory rolodex to see if that favor (or one of equal inconvenience) has been reciprocated in the past. (Please feel free to provide one if my memory fails me.)
- If it infringes on my work time it’s a no. Just because I work from home doesn’t me I’m anyone’s designated chauffer, butler, child care provider, etc.
- If you live more then 20 minutes away from my home and though I’ve made the drive an insurmountable amount of times to your place of residence and I can count on my two hands the number of times you’ve come to my place, I’ll be declining the invitation. But will gladly recommend that I host you at my apartment.
- If I’ve been nothing but the perfect host to you at my home (and everyone knows I’m freaking Martha Stewart when it comes to hospitality) and you treat me like some red-headed stepchild at your place, I will be declining the invitation.
- Sex in my apartment from this point on will be reserved for myself and the person lucky enough to be joining me.
- Don’t ask to borrow my car, my insurance doesn’t cover you.
- Do not ask me to be DD if you never have or never plan to drag my drunk ass home.
- Most importantly, this list isn’t all inclusive and may grow/change at my discretion.
In conclusion, before leaving a comment detailing how rude and ridiculously childish this blog is, try to make a detailed list of at least 10 unsolicited (meaning you didn’t offer I imposed) favors I’ve asked of you. If you can’t then my point has been proven. And don’t tempt me, because details are my life and I will rise to the challenge of doubling your list.
Lastly, beware, the bitch has been unleashed.
Until next time,
D.A. Steward
March 21, 2009 at 1:21 pm
i thought ur blog was harsh and i think your lookin to deeply into things.. im really not sure why im even commenting it because i think im wasting my time. i made a rule for myself in fact, and it was when people treat u rude or say things you would never say to them.. dont talk to them till they realize what they have done, or how they acted..(please dont correct my run on sentence, since im sure you will be correcting everything else). Im kinda sad because im writing this in hope the old dwayne comes back and the knew self help dwayne realizes theres nothing wrong, hes smart enough to make his own decisions and maybe hes reading all this books because hes scared to deal with his own real feelings.. I dont think you need help at all, i thought the old dwayne was just fine..But i dont think its ok to say the bitch is unleased.. i know its very true. ( because the bitch crushed my feelings the other night) but i also think its very childish to write a blog like this.. Its kicking your friends in the face.. I mean come on are they really that bad of friends? or are u just going through a phase and everything is about you? is something else going on and ur taking it out on other people.. I will thank you for being my d.d. and as i told you in our little conversation if you call me i would come right now to drive your drunk ass home.. but you never call , nor did you before just to talk.. (note to self: if you want to be dwaynes friend you must always call, its just how he is) Also you saying you would rather see my leave with some random stranger than take care of me was so uncalled for .. and no true friend of mine would ever, ever say that.. its hurts to write this because i love you, im not unleashing my bitchy side im just letting out what has been bothering me, since you never called like i thought you would and realized what you said to me.. Last but not least.. heres some thing for your roladex…a certain friend was in the hospital for like two months.. what friends of his drove almost everyday while one was still in highschool and the other in college to see you and play board games with you and make you laugh.. that was like thirty miles one way.. (remember i lived in waldo). and then a parking ticket on top of that every day was like 7 bucks,.. my good friend and i use to split the cost, and we were both so broke, but we loved you and wanted to be there for you in your time of need..we went and made you laugh, we stayed for hour on end..having to go to school and work the next morning,, and we didnt even care… we loved being with you and we just wanted you to get better..i had some great nights in that hospital with a friend i’ll never forget no matter how much they change. who drove to o.u. at one in the morning just to c u? i’ll let you know i drove the benz all the way home with one eye because i was so freakin tired..it was worth it.. it was all worth it… because thats what friends are for.. not to complain or make rules , or to type hurtful things on the internet..but maybe someday you’ll stop reading your self help book long enough to pick up the phone and call me…or maybe not..well dwayne.. good luck with your rules and your life, just know there isnt rules for everything.. you live and you learn.. your forgive and you grow.. you love and you lose.. its all apart of life.. have a wonderful ride…
your once upon a time friend,
*****
March 21, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Dwayne,
I totally respect you for putting your foot down and setting these rules in your life. No one deserves to be walked all over or even to feel as if they’ve been walked all over. You have not lost a friend in me so don’t ever worry about that cuz you won’t be anytime soon.
(BTW where is martha stewart cuz last i checked i was in the cabinets lookin for my own cup lol I’m just playing)
I will be respecting both you and your rules in the future and apologize if you feel I have not been treating you correctly in the past. We still got love and Let the bitch roam free. We all have to sometimes.
Love ya boo!!!!
~Ess
March 21, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Good for you– I know we don’t communicate on a regular basis anymore, but I tend to epitomize the self-sacrificing people-pleasing giver. So I totally sympathize with you. And in my eyes you get mad props for taking charge of your life.