Knock! Knock! Knock!
I shoot up out of bed. It’s 3:17 a.m. I roll onto the floor before using the wall to gain my footing, blindly patting the desk surface to find my glasses before flipping on the lights.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
“I’m coming!” I shout toward the door. If this is Brittney waking me up again because of some silly fight she’s had with Erica I’m going to shoot her. I have to be up for work in four hours!
I quickly grab a t-shirt from the dirty clothes hamper and throw it on before stumbling out of my room toward the front door. After fiddling with the locks I open it. Barely having time to realize it’s Brian at my doorstep, and before the shock of his surprise appearance at this hour even has time to register, he’s in my arms, and I’m deep in a loving kiss, his tongue already caressing my own.
A few second pass as I am lost in his embrace. I quickly come to my senses and push him away.
“Brian I have ‘bed-breathe’ and I smell. A make-out session probably isn’t the best idea right now,” I say continuing to back away. I learned a while ago that Brian and I in the same room alone only leads to trouble. The more distance the better. “I thought you were in Europe.”
“I was,” he says, that southern twang sending an erotic ripple through my spine. I gain control and keep my distance. “I just got back a little while ago and had to come see you.”
“What? You just got back from a romantic vaca with your hubby and you’re already horny!” I shoot back hoping to regain complete control of the unexpected encounter. “Good night, Brian. I don’t have time for this.” I turn to head toward my room and he grabs my arm.
“I was having the most romantic European vacation ever, with someone I was supposed to be in love with. But all I could think about was you,” he says bringing his hand up to caress my cheek.
I couldn’t help but smile. Brian and I had met through mutual friends nearly two months ago and were instantly attracted to one another. Two make-out sessions (the second of which going past third base) later I found myself slightly falling for the chemistry Ph.D. carrying, hair-highlighted hottie. However I soon remembered how we’d left things before his trip and my face turned back to stone.
“Brian, where is this coming from? I haven’t heard from you since Pride Weekend almost a month ago,” I say. “I sent you two texts and never heard anything back. I assumed you’d forgotten about me.”
“I’m sorry. I got your texts while I was at the airport before leaving for Europe, and I did ignore them. I thought if I ignored you I’d forget about you and concentrate on my boyfriend like I as supposed to. But I couldn’t.”
After saying this Brian starts to come toward me. I am now up against the living room wall so there is no escape. He puts his hand on my side. “Dwayne, I think I’m in love with you.”
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to grab him and kiss him and make love to him and start a life together. But my pessimism wouldn’t let me. I slip away and walk into the kitchen, now standing at the sink with my back to him.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I say finally. “What if you get sick of me like you got sick of David? I’m not some rebound you can just use and toss aside until you find some hot personal trainer.”
Brian has already made his way into the kitchen and is hugging me from behind. He kisses the back of my neck.
“You’re everything that I want,” he whispers.
The wall of will power begins to crumble, I turn around, and our lips met again.
I shoot out of bed in a cold sweat. It’s 4:22 a.m. on July 25, nearly a month since the last time I saw Brian, still unsure if he’s home or still in Europe with his boyfriend.
I get up and head to the bathroom to splash my face with water. I grab the towel hanging beside me and stare at my disheveled appearance in the mirror.
“You’re hopeless.”
I head back to my room and fall into bed, heading back into the comfort of my impossibly optimistic dreams.
–
This is my life. Alone and always pining after what I can’t have. Sad, isn’t it?
I realized that it’s been almost two months since my last Dwayne/Dante post and I thought it was high time for another one. I find that writing for this blog is more therapeutic then anything else. I always find myself coming back to flesh out my confusions and recharge my battered psyche. I thank all of you for bearing with me, for this is again is one of those times.
So, the last time we talked I was discussing Dorian, correct? Well, he’s left, returned, left and returned again since then, amidst a slew of others.
Let’s run through the basics before I flesh out the rest of the story.
I moved out of my parents into my own apartment June 1. I learned quite a while ago that I am incapable of having a roommate so I’ve procured a one-bedroom apartment (near Easton for those of you in the area). My best friend, Krissy, was married and I stood alongside her as a groomsmen at her wedding (photo below). And in my own search for Mr. Right, often leading down the path of promiscuity, I contracted an unwanted, slightly painful companion. (Don’t worry I’ve been cured and am fine. Just a little embarrassment that has taught me that the price of latex negligence is too high.)
At work things are picking up tremendously. We’re starting to expand the entertainment department technologically and I’m at the head of the grunt work for the project, which has doubled my duties. However, I did get the chance to interview this year’s “American Idols” (click HERE for pics and HERE for video) so I guess I can’t complain.
Okay, now back to the juicy stuff.
After moving into my own place meeting men became a little easier, yet it kept returning the same results. Enter Al, Wayne, Tim, Brian, James, and the reentrance of Jay and Dorian. Who all became duds or entered into the “just friends” category. Jay and Dorian are still on the radar somewhat, but I still don’t see anything long term blossoming.
I feel like I’ve come to a bit of a crossroads. Things are changing. Even my friends are noticing. Lamar keeps commenting on how I’ve become a bit socially awkward lately. Every weekend he introduces me to a new set of his friends when we’re out at the bars and somehow I always shut down. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’ve outgrown the gay bar scene. But that scares me a little. How can I be 23 and have outgrown the bar scene?
The simple fact is that it annoys me. All these superficial hard bodies running around as if life is only about having a good time with hottest piece of meat you can find. And I don’t fit the mold. I’m a chubby, intellectual who’s in love with journalism and pop culture. I’m not exactly what many of these gay bar junkies are looking for.
So like I said I’m at a bit of a crossroads. I’ve decided to take a break from the gay night life and focus on work, but most of you know me, I can’t live by journalism alone. So now I have the task of finding gay groups in Columbus that aren’t bath houses or tied to any sort of the fitness activity, so I don’t completely sever myself from the gay community. Any ideas?
One things for sure. I’m done looking. It’s time for Mr. Right to find me.
Until next time,
D.A. Steward
P.S. I’ve decided to start including an updated slide show and maybe some video with each post. Enjoy! (For those of you reading this on facebook or myspace click HERE for the official Dwayne/Dante blog Web site to see the slide show.)
